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By Charlotte Lankard A few years ago, the word we did not want used to describe us was codependent. The definition implied we were always trying to take care of everyone else whether they wanted us to or not and did a poor job of taking care of ourselves. Women, especially, seemed to feel they were being targeted. So we read books, got into therapy and joined 12-step support groups to learn how to pay less attention to others’ needs and more attention to our own. Then we were accused of being selfish, egocentric and uncaring. I still hear people say, “I am so co- dependent,” and they say it as though it is wrong to want to help someone you love. It is never wrong to care about someone you love and to offer a helping hand. This is called compassion. Yet there continues to be a lot of confusion about the difference between caregiving (known as healthy caring) and caretaking (which has come to be viewed as an unhealthy way of relating). Dr. David Richo is a psychotherapist and author of “How to Be an Adult in Relationships.” He tries to differentiate between the two words. Caregiving, he says, supports the other person to take care of himself, while caretaking fosters dependency. It is about teaching skills to the other person, rather than seeing them as helpless. Caregiving makes a contribution and then lets go. Caretaking seeks to stay involved in the other’s life. Caregiving is tailored to the other’s willingness to be helped. Caretaking may be imposed whether it is asked for and wanted, or not. Caregiving maintains personal boundaries regarding how and when help is to be given. Caretaking is willing to forsake personal boundaries to satisfy the other’s needs. If this behavior goes on for a long time, this person typically becomes a martyr because he rarely get the appreciation they feel he deserves. Caregiving is sincerely responsive to the needs of the other person. Caretaking’s primary agenda is the satisfying of one’s own needs — the person gives care because it makes him or her feel important. As I read his list, the word that comes to mind is respect as opposed to control. We can offer help, but if the person declines, we need to accept that and mind our business. It is disrespectful to force our help on someone else. Easy to say, hard to do, especially when it is someone you love who appears to be headed for trouble. Not sure whether you are a caregiver or a caretaker? Ask your family. They can tell you. If you’re a caregiver, pat yourself on the back, because that means you have taught them how to take care of themselves. Announce they’re on their own for meals, laundry, housecleaning and carpooling, at least for the next week. They may soon be clamoring to have you return to caretaking at least when it makes their life a little easier. Confusing? Yes. Charlotte Lankard is a marriage and family therapist in private practice with Baptist Counseling Associates and director of the James L. Hall Center for Mind, Body and Spirit at Integris. |